25 October 2012

I will not chase you

I asked myself a question,
Do you think you're scarred from your relationship with -A?
Heck yeah!!!
I extended my hand,
correction, I over-extended myself,
I reached far, far beyond my capacity.
So far in fact, that I fell.

He never grabbed me.

He never reached out far enough to touch my hand.
He would twitch his finger, make me think he was about to give back to me what I was giving. But he never did.

So I fell.

F-E-L-L, I fell to the ground.

I embarrassed myself,

I lost self esteem,
I lost hope,

my smile,
my laugh,

My joy,
I lost understanding,

I lost my trust in God,
I lost my peace,

I lost, myself.

 So when I finally stood up, I decided that I would never again, do what I did with him.
You wanna walk away!?

So be it. Walk away.
I won't chase you.

Now granted, I will reach out, I'll extend my hand, but only so far. If you don't grab my hand in time, I'm snatching it away real quick and it’s not coming back unless God himself tells me, "LaVonia, be nice, and reach out to that person."

I don't believe I'm angry though.

If I am, I pray and ask God to release that.
Because I don’t wanna be angry. That's not good.

But I will admit, that that "relationship" changed me.
It changed my mentality.
It changed the way I view people.
Because of him, I no longer over extend myself,

I no longer chase people,

It’s almost like I welcome you to walk away.

This way, I can filter out all the fakies.
I know this makes me sound angry, or cold hearted, But I'm not. I pray to God that I'm not. But, it's important to learn from your mistakes.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over again but expecting a different outcome.
I would be insane, to do this all over again with everybody else. And I understand that not everybody is like him, and again, that’s why I said I will extend my hand. But if you don't take my hand, I'm not going to force you.

-love and fireflies

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