28 November 2012

Glass Box

Have you eveer been in a room so quiet, you can almost hear your heart beating?
A room so still, you can pretty much hear your large and small intestines digesting the food you ate earlier?
A place so quiet, that I swear I heard the nerves in my brain firing off, trying to understand why I'm always be myself.
Trying to comprehend why my "bestfriend" really isn't my bestfriend.
Trying to cope with the fact that standing alone really isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Wanting to tell people that being "solo dolo" can almost be a nightmare and that if you have an inner circle, value them, love them, because everyone doesn't have one.
Everyone wasn't blessed with friendships that started in elementary and are still going on today. That, my friend, is a blessing.

I mean yeah, I do enjoy my "alone time"
And no I don't like being around a lot of people all the time, but oh sweet Jesus, standing alone gets tiresome.
This cross gets heavy.

Have you ever been inside a room full of people and still felt like you were by yourself?
I have.
I feel like that all the time.
All, the time.
When people walk in and out of your life all the time, you're not really fazed when someone walks out. It's almost like I expect it.
I expect you to leave me by myself.
Iexpect you to find better friends.
I expect to suddenly be knocked off the mountain high pedestal you put me on and come crashing down into a forest of confusion.
And thats why I've learned to always carry a parachute.
Just in case today is one of those days someone decides to knock me off a pedestal, I won't come crashing down, I'll float down gently.
I pray that this glass box I'm in breaks one day.
I pray that one day, I'll have a steady group of friends.
That I won't be lonely anymore.
That I can watch an episode of  "Friends" and not get sad.
That I can get on Twitter and not feel jealous when someone tweets about how awesoem their friends are.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I am. I'm a really happy person. I'd rather be here that where I came from. I'm just saying, I don't wanna be in this place, always.

I wrote that last part a couple months ago. So at this point, its a lie. I'm not happy. I'm not okay. I don't like being by myself.

love and fireflies

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