Someday...

You'll have to excuse me...I'm currently in my feelin's

how can you love me?

How is it that
You say you love me but,
when you get mad you punch me in the eye

With one violant strike,
my vision goes black
and the next thing I remember is me laying on the floor.

How is it that
You say you love me but,
you call me ugly, you say I'm too skinny

With every abusive remark
A knife goes through my heart
My heart stands limp in the presence of you.
Hands shaking like San Franciscan ground
My knees buckle like a wet ceiling

Oh but you love me
You tell me you love every night
And after every temper tantrum,
you hug me, you kiss me and you say I love you I'm sorry
...I love you I'm sorry

But,
how can you hurt the person that you love?
You don't love me.
Because love doesn't hand out black eyes
You wouldn't kick me in my stomach and call me stupid.

You would come home on time
and another woman's scent would not be on your clothes
Foreign hickies on your neck
"Oh baby that was from you"
Couldn't be because, the night before you cracked me in the jaw, remember?

Those all around me tell me to run but,
they don't understand because,
He's the father of my child
and, I refuse to let my son grow up without a father.

All along he stands in the corner watching daddy beat up mommy
and now he begins to think this is how you control your woman.
Generational curses over taking my family like
heat in the Sahara
like water on land
like blue in the sky
like, the black around my eyes.

but, I still love you
and I want to believe that you love me but,
We all know the truth.
You love the idea of me
You love the idea of controlling a woman
because the woman in your life, your mother, was a drug attic
and she didn't care about you or you brothers.
She brought different dudes homes every night because, she didn't wanna be tied down.
She thought of you and your brothers as knots around her ankles.
Tying her down.
But see, that's not your fault.
You're afraid of being left. You're afraid that this woman, I, will leave you like your mother did the day after you brother's birthday.

And because I love you, I'll stay.
I'll stay because your the father of my child
and you told me that nobody wants me and I should feel lucky being with you.
So I'll stay because I don't believe there's anybody better.

♥ love & fireflies

i guess this'll do

i was looking for the one when leonardo dicaprio puts his hand on the foggy/steamy window and slides his hand down. But, this'll do...i guess

Cool Breast Cancer ribbon tats

Favorite Cand(ies)....and I'm not even a candy person...ha.!

 I pitty the fool who don't like snickers

 Once apon a time I ate a whole family sized box of these. ha!

I just had some these, and well, I need some more.

Who don't like Skittles?

One time, my cousin bought me my first bag of sour skittles, it took me like 3 days because they were so sour. Another time, it make the roof of my mouth raw. ouch.!

T H E T R U T H .

Some days I wonder about the day I'll truly be happy. The day I'll wake up with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. When I'll meet someone whose happy to see me. Happy that I'm alive, that I exist. I often wonder if this day will ever happen. Will I ever be happy? Or will these sad days repeat itself? Forever wondering. Forever wishing and dreaming. Forever crying.

Warm tears run down my face. My heart weighs a ton. My body is weak and I gasp for air. I tell God I'm sick of crying. I don't wanna cry no more. Won't you dry my eyes? You don't see me, your daughter crying? Then I think, maybe God doesn't think I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve what I pray for. And so, my tears dry. And I stop believing in love. I stop asking God for it. And I accept what I believe is true.

Yay.!

Today was my mom's last Radiation Treatment. She was diagnosed with breat cancer back in October-November-ish. So yeah we've been dealing with that. But, she's fine. She already went through the Chemo and now she's done with the radiation. I never really worried too much about her well-being. I mean, don't get me wrong, I had my moments when I would be like, "OMG what if she dies" but that was only for like a quick second. I guess I just knew that God had her back. And he did. So now, I'm thinking about going to DePaul for PreMed. I'm going to be an Oncologist-a branch of medicine that deals with tumors or, cancer. I wanna see people fight their way outta cancer. And I'll be there to encouage them when they get weak. Being Cancer Free is possible. It's not just a dream.

Love at FIRSTsight?

How can a person love someone they don't even know? How can you say you love me? "Love at first sight" is not real. In fact, its called "being intrigued". That's all. You were just amazed or in awe of they're appearance. You don't know anything about that person except for how they look. IDK. It bothers me when people say "I loved you the first time I saw you" blah!blah!blah! No you didn't! 
The only reason why God loved us is because he made us and knew who we were. In fact: My bible my bible says: before I formed you in the womb I knew you (Jeremiah 1:5). He knows who we are before we are even conceived. He KNOWS us. That's why he loves us. A person on the street doesn't know who you are. He just saw your face or whatever you were showing on the street.
Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in love, just not at first sight.

Musica

I like music. Matter of fact, I love music. Music can make you happy, it can make you sad, angry, depressed. And this is without the words, just the instruments them self can cause changes in emotions.
&& I feel like, people who say they love music but only listen to hip hop or rock or what ever, don't love music. Because a true music lover loves all types of music. My iPod has all the main music genres: Gospel of course, hip hop, r&b/pop, and and even rock. I love music! And if I hear a song that I like, I'm not ashamed to put it on my iPod because of the type of music it is. Why should I ? It's MY iPod. Mine. You can see anybody on my playlist from Fred Hammond to Eminem. From Nicki Minaj to P!nk. It doesn't matter! I-LOVE-MUSIC!
idk. I guess I just wanted to inform those who thought they were music lovers.
lol.

Teenage Luv Affair...

&& ii imagine kissing you would be like the breeze before a summer storm

Calm, but exciting

You would touch my face sofly, with your masculine fingers

then...

you'd come closer && our noses would touch

and my heart would begin pound...

 my eyes would close softly, anticipating your soft lips

Ours mouths opened, and our lips brushed one another...

Your dark-hazel eyes open

and my dark eyes opened too

then...

I'd look down to see my legs moving forward

our bodies touched

&& my heart beat even faster

You'd wrap one arm around my small waist

&& ii'd placed my hand lightly on your pounding chest

Your warm lips? they'd taste of honey

 && my body would moan as your hands grip my waist

then...

 You'd kiss me once more

and we'd touch noses

&& then...

I'll smile, you'll smile back

-Teenage Luv Affair

-LaLa

Mother's Day

When I found out that you were diagnosed with cancer, the first thing I thought was, “Why are you always sick?” “Why can’t she just not have health issues?” Then I began to think, how can I walk past my mother and father’s room and only see my father there. “How will my daddy be?” “How will he survive without his best friend?” “Is he going to be alright?” I didn’t know what to think, or do, so I prayed. I prayed everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. Suddenly my fear went away and I knew that you would be alright. I stopped worrying and every time I told you it would be okay, I meant it. I remember when you told Jelisa about the cancer and she started crying. I remembered as she cried, she said God had already told her it would be okay. Then, we prayed together, and I led the prayer. After I got done praying, I looked up and saw my daddy’s eyes were watering. When I saw that, I knew that he truly cared about you and I hope that one day, I’d find someone who cares the same for me. I think the hardest part of this journey for me was when you lost your hair. I wouldn’t even look at you for a couple of days because I didn’t want that image in my head. I didn’t want to know what my mother looked like without hair on her head. Then I got over it. And now I’m always up under you.

You are, the strongest woman I know. You’ve been through so much pain. Whether it’s physical or mental, you’ve made it through. Even when you were under chemo, people would call you and you would begin to preach. One minute you were drowsy then the next you were wide awake because Jesus was on your mind. Then I really knew that name had power. On Sundays, you prayed for people who probably had know idea of what you were going through. You’ve inspired me to go into the medical field. The proper name is Oncology (awn-ca-luh-gee). Oncology comes from the Greek “onkos” which means bulk, mass, or tumor. And “logy” means the study of. Oncology is a branch of medicine that deals with tumors or cancer. I felt since I lived with someone who was diagnosed with cancer and was healed from cancer, I could tell people that it is possible to make it through. I could tell them that the road was not over. Their story is not finished but a new chapter has begun. And all you have to do is have faith the size of a mustered seed and activate it. Once they do that, everything is alright.



Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Love LaVonia

The Queen is back!!!

For those of you who ACTUALLY know me, I am a Camera Feen. But for about 3 months or so, the camera had been missing. For three months I was unable to Release my creative mind. Everything was all bottled up inside of me. For 3 months me and my sister had been telling my daddy that we didn't have his camera and we didn't lose it. Then, Last Night, I was looking around my room for the remote. I started feeling around under my bed because sometimes the remote falls under there. As I was feeling around, I felt something familar under my fingers, Low and Behold it was the camera that we said we didn't have. So I felt kinda bad last night because we had it the whole time. I'm still not sure how the camera got under my bed, but it was.  Now you know, when I get home from practice, I'm takin that camera and going crazy. It's hard for a camera feen, lol. We can't just go cold turkey. I'll show the result of my overdose as soon as possible.

But I'll love you forever if you give me a chance
Our friendship would be our foundation
Young and restless, but I'm wise beyond my years
Finding you would be a dream come true
Remember your last? I'm better than her
I'll make you happy, your heart would overflow
End your search, because I'm here
Never let me go, because I'm special
Do you think you can handle me?

Though my heart is broken, I still want to try
Running from my past is a never ending marathon
Unlike me to be so cruel
Scars runs deep
The river of tears has run dry

What'chu think this was?
I'ont like you, I'ont want'chu
Never was I interested
Though I must admit, there is a hidden attraction
Every squeeze you give me triggers something
Rough hands turn me OFF
Ha! I'ont care about yo mind
Emittin' my ISH, for just a moment of pleasure
Attractions for you are hidden
Talking is out of the question, just let me get my ISH off on you

I Wish

I wish one day I will fall in love and be loved back

I wish that I will not fall short of being his wife or his girlfriend

I wish for a human

With a Heart

Not a Robot

With a Clock

I wish that when he holds me in his arms,

I will feel at home

And I will not be afraid to cry in front of him

I wish that the things I say will matter to him

I wish that he will not laugh at me when I say something stupid

I wish that he will let me love him

I wish that when I kiss him,

my heart will race faster

Not because I'm nervous

or scared

But because I can feel his love for me

His passion for me to be his

I wish that I will not marry old

I wish that I will be found young

I wish that he will not take money over me

I wish that I will be first

I wish that I will never come second

to anything

or anybody

except our children

and God

I wish that he will think that I am good enough

I wish that he will never brake my heart

I wish that he will be in utter shock that God made me just for him

I wish that when I cry

he will make me feel better

and tell me that whatever that situation,

it will be okay.

I wish that he will have my back

as I will have his.

I wish that he will love me

as I will love him.

I wish that my wishes come true.

L.O.V.E

LOVE

Love is something extremely hard to find.

It seems as though all the people who don't deserve it

get it.

Why is this?

Why is it that the people who are truly deserving of it

Never get it?

Why is it that the person who truly loves you is always...

the one left behind,

Forgotten or erased from memory.

Love is something rare that should never be rare.

It should be easy to find seeing as it was made for everyone.

Love is the center of our universe.

So many things can go "Out of Wack" if love isn't in the mix.

People often wonder why girls sometimes act like...

Female Dogs or Gardening Tools

It's because soemone hurt her.

Somebody did it first.

Females were made to be loved,

not to be figured out or broken.

If she isn't loved, CORRECTLY,

She will be made into a Gardening Tool or Female Dog.

Girls never do things just because, there's always a reason why.

Always.